What to do when all your relationships are a disaster

Some people breeze through life floating from one satisfying relationship to another, before settling with a wonderful partner ‘til death do them part.

For others it is one disaster after another, often with the same plot line being played out in each relationship. The person often doesn’t have any noticeable character flaws and can have a successful work life, good friendships and an interesting set of hobbies. But for some reason, they’re love life is a train wreck. When someone is young, it is expected that they will make some mistakes, but if you are older and have the added complication of at least one divorce, then it is time you take stock and try and change things.

Admit the common denominator

If after your divorce you have bundled from one bad relationship to another, it is easy to blame your ex and the other people that you have dated. But blaming them is not going to help you find a fulfilling relationship. You need to accept that the common denominator is you. This way it is easier to try and spot the common problems and to learn from them.

Trauma can lead to replays

If you have experienced past trauma, it will often lead to you repeating the situation. Often victims of domestic abuse will leave an abusive relationship and then go straight into a new one. There are many complex reasons why this happens.

If you have been a victim of domestic abuse, or experienced trauma that then plays out again in new relationships, then you must seek the help and advice of a qualified counsellor who can help you understand why it is happening and give you the tools to prevent it from happening again.

Get over one relationship before starting another

If a relationship or marriage breaks down, it has happened for a reason. Since the dawn of time humans have had a bad habit of looking for features of an unrequited love in a new partner. This can lead you to always choosing the same personality types that you are incompatible with. When you choose a new partner, make sure you are fully over your last relationship and nowhere, deep down, are you seeking out reminders of your past romances.

Tear up the list

The age of internet dating is encouraging many of us to come up with a list of characteristics that they want from a new partner. If you can’t find anyone to settle with, try tearing this list up. We are all individuals and all have many different nuances that will fit with different people. See people for the individuals that they are, rather than a list of hobbies and interests. Focus on if your sense of humour matches and how well the conversation flows.

No one is perfect and you are not going to meet the perfect person, you need to decide on which flaws you could live with.

Look out for Number 1

Remember, your happiness does not depend on being in a relationship. Sort yourself out before trying to find someone to share your life with. Become financially independent, sort out your career and general well being. If you are happy single, you are more likely to be happy in a relationship and can put the past mistakes behind you.

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