How to recover after an affair

When you fall in love and your life becomes enmeshed with another person you can never imagine that anything will shake those foundations, especially when you are blissfully happy.  Whether you are married, have a civil partnership or are happily cohabiting, if one partner betrays the other by having an affair it can be devastating.  Here are some valued tips on how to recover after an affair.

Because the realisation of an affair can come seemingly from nowhere, it can be a very traumatic time, especially if it has been ongoing for some time, and you feel that you are the last to know.  You may be urged by friends and family and especially your spouse to stay in the relationship, but for some this is not an option due to the lack of trust from this point forwards.  If you do decide that the marriage is over you can help yourself on the road to your new life, so that everything does not appear so doom and gloom.

Rather than keep raking over and over the situation in a negative way, blaming and staying emotionally on high alert, stop and take stock of where you are and where you want to be heading.  When you have accepted that the relationship is over you can start to practically sort out everything that needs rearranging now that you are separated.  Physically taking off your wedding ring can help considerably with this process.

Work through your feelings of pain, upset and anger rather than pretending that you are feeling fine.  Find a way that helps you deal with this.  Exercise, counselling, deep self care in the form of alternative therapies and generally talking about the situation can help you ‘get things out of your system’.  It is completely normal to feel daunted and afraid, especially if your whole world and way of living has been turned upside down, but you don’t have to stay stuck in fear, you can move onwards and upwards more positively if you realise that your thought processes can be changed instantly, should you choose to do so.

Work out what makes you happy.  You may have been in a relationship for the majority of your adult life, and when it ends, you need to really work out what you want from life and what fills you with joy each day.  This means coming to terms with who you are and who you are not.  Did you change to be someone else whilst in your relationship?  Isn’t it now time to start filling your time with activities that create a nurturing happy feeling within you?

Learn to forgive your spouse.  This does not mean that you condone their behaviour or lessen the hurt that it caused you, but by forgiving (you don’t actually have to tell them that you have forgiven them), you can release all of the pent up emotions that will keep you from moving on to your next wonderful part of life.  Why create a prison for yourself when your spouse is happily roaming free?

By setting yourself some goals that you want to achieve at some point in the future, and breaking them down into smaller more easily attainable mini-goals and then onto tasks each day that you can complete, you will be moving forwards with your life in a manageable way.  Even on ‘down’ days (which everyone has), you can look back and see just how far you have come.

Remember that you do not have to do any of this alone.  There are countless professionals who can help you deal with your separation.  Having someone else take on board some of the practical arrangements or discussions can help you see things clearly and with less emotional attachment.

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